You might be a swinger if, ….

You might be a swinger if…..
1. You are wearing wristbands in most of your vacation photos.
2. Half of the numbers on your cellphone are listed only by screen
names.
3. You are running out of reasons to tell your coworkers why you
can’t go out with them this weekend.
4. You have over 100,000 frequent flyer miles on Air Jamaica.
5. You know most of your friends’ names only as couples (Rich and
Joy, Frank and Jen) but you don’t know their last names.
6. You go to a convention with three huge suitcases, yet are wearing
the same outfit when you return as you did when you left.
7. You had already seen pictures of your friends naked before you
ever met them in person.
8. You position the computer screen in your home office in such a way
that your children can’t possibly sneak up on you.
9. You can’t remember the last time you had pubic hair.
10. Before traveling somewhere on business or to visit relatives you
look up couples in the area.
11. You worry about explaining to the neighbors why 10 couples show
up on a Saturday night carrying over night bags and don’t leave until
Sunday afternoon…
12. You never open your garage door until you’re in the car with the
doors closed.
13. Your gynecologist wonders why you’re asking for birth control
when he knows that your husband has had a vasectomy.
14. Your hot tub has never had a bathing suit worn in it.
15. Your sex toy collection costs more than your china set.
16. Your wife has a shirt that says: “I Like Girls Too.”
17. You have a strippers pole in the middle of your den.
18. You giggle at the golf course when someone asks if they can join
your foursome.
19. The last thing you typically do at a party is search for your
wife’s thong.
20. You’ve hugged your friends goodnight while naked.
21. You hear the word “Playmate” and your first thought is
not “Playboy”
22. The word “slut” has become a term of endearment.
23. You carry lube as often as lipstick.
24. Your choice in new carpeting is heavily based on which type won’t
give you rug burns.
25. You’ve taken your Liberator with you to a dinner party.
26. The term Vanilla isn’t just a flavor to you anymore.
27. You have a full-length mirror in your bedroom… On your ceiling.
28. You are constantly encouraging your kids to spend the weekend at
friends’ houses.
29. You don’t think twice about wearing a short skirt, high heels and
fishnets when there is three feet of snow on the ground.
30. Your wedding reception has an after party.
31. You go to Las Vegas, but never gamble or leave the hotel.
32. You panic when your friend’s digital camera goes missing.
33. You’ve invited friends over and watched porn.
34. You’ve invited friends over and made porn.
35. You’ve watched someone do a tequila shot off of your wife’s bare
ass.
36. Your friends know what brand of condom you prefer.
37. You wake up in the morning and find that half of the cloths on
the floor don’t fit you or your wife.
38. Your kids think it’s normal for adults to have sleepovers.
39. A hot tub is considered a necessity not a luxury.
40. You believe in Unicorns… Because you’ve actually ridden one.
41. You leave the kids at home when you go to the toy store.
42. You’ve taken photos of yourself with your head out of frame; And
it was on purpose.
43. You can’t decide which of your three naughty schoolgirl outfits
you should wear this weekend.
44. You always keep a supply of condoms, lube and clean hand towels
by your bed… And your guest bed… And your couch in the living
room.
45. The employees fight to take your order at the One Hour Photo.
46. You frequently use the term “Friends of friends” when explaining
how you know certain people.
47. You know which of your outfits looks best under a black light.
48. You have an entire closet devoted just to themed outfits.
49. You place a want ad that reads: “Wanted: Reliable babysitter who
is willing to stay till sunrise and doesn’t ask any questions.”
50. You ask the sales man at the furniture store which type of
upholstery best repels semen stains.
51. The staff of Hedonism III sends you birthday cards.
52. You come home with that, “There’s Something About Mary”
hairstyle.
53. The babysitter wonders why you are always already wearing your
full-length coat when she arrives.
54. In the gym shower you’re the only guy with shaved balls.
55. You know the most flattering angle at which to photograph your
genitals.
56. Half of your vacation photos were taken in your hotel room.
57. You have a free place to stay in almost all the fifty states and
several cities in Europe.
58. You’ve closed your e-mails with “Bi Bi”.
59. You can expertly identify the tactile differences between every
type of breast implant ever created.
60. On Christmas, there are certain presents that can’t be opened in
front of your family.
61. You know exactly which of your friends are allergic to latex.
62. Your vanilla friends ask why they are never invited to your
parties.
63. The movie “Swingers” was a huge disappointment to you.
64. It’s an unwritten law that you can’t call any of your friends on
Saturday or Sunday until at least 3 p.m. so you don’t wake them up.
65. You’ve become especially good at operating your digital camera
with one hand.
66. At your “normal” parties no one can go into the basement because
you’re afraid someone will notice the sex-swing.
67. You’re constantly afraid that visiting relatives will pop-in one
of your home videos that you forgot to hide.
68. You make bets with other swinger friends about how long it will
take to corrupt your cute vanilla girlfriend.
69. You’re in a public place and you swear you hear someone shout
your screen name.
70. Before introducing them to your visiting family, you pull your
friends aside and say, “OK, here’s how we know each other…”
71. You start having withdrawals after two days without internet
access.
72. When someone asks where you’re staying on your trip to Cancun,
you pretend that you can’t remember the name of the resort.
73. You ask a girlfriend to teach you: “That thing you do with your
tongue that my husband enjoys so much.”
74. In the middle of sex with your spouse, you ask someone else to
take over for a minute while you go to the restroom.
75. You are more concerned about a pimple on your privates than on
your face.
76. You come back from vacation and you have a tan, but no tan lines.
77. The first thing you do checking into a hotel is to ask for a lot
of extra towels.
78. All the men bring their wives to your bachelor party.
79. Making it an early night means getting home before 3 a.m.
80. You’ve handed out business cards to people, but the cards have
nothing to do with your occupation.
81. Your sexual fantasies never last very long… Because they keep
coming true!
82. You are hanging around vanilla friends and you absentmindedly
squeeze their butts.
83. You erase your computer’s browser history and cache every time
you leave your office.
84. You buy lap dances for your wife… And vice versa.
85. You own a double-headed dildo.
86. You’re still smiling on Monday morning about something you did on
Saturday night.
87. You’re at the market, and the only things in your basket are
condoms, breath mints and Red Bull.
88. On vacation you set aside time to stage a bunch of photos that
are acceptable to show to your family.

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