50 Shades of Kink: Exploring the World of BDSM

In a Los Angeles dungeon, she is known as Mistress Nina Payne. She is a professional dominatrix.

In real life, her name is Kimi Inch. She stumbled into a career in the world of BDSM — short for bondage and discipline, sadism and masochism — while working as a DJ in Japan.

She is now an expert in domination. Clients pay hundreds of dollars an hour to submit to her every whim, to be her “submissive” — many BDSM participants use stage names. Inch meets them in the dungeon, where there are a variety of themed play rooms with names like “the vault” and “the parlor.” Each one holds elaborate devices meant to restrain.

She said there is no exchange of body fluids and absolutely no sex.

“There is so much more going on with BDSM. It’s way more intense, way more intimate and way more psychological,” Inch said. “I don’t need to have sex with my clients in order to get them to that place.”

Everything is negotiated ahead of time and is consensual, which is at the heart of BDSM, she said.

This is just one small part of the BDSM world, which is featured in “50 Shades of Kink,” an episode from “Our America with Lisa Ling” on OWN television.

BDSM has been brought out of the shadows by the popularity of the book “50 Shades of Grey” and its sequels. Professionals like Inch are teaching regular people how to engage in non-standard sexual practices, called “kink,” through giving group lessons in things like spanking.

“Instead of going in with a flat palm,” she said to the audience. “I prefer to sort of slightly cup the hand, so it is actually going to sound like I’m hitting him a lot harder than I am, and that sound is going to stimulate him in many different ways.”

Next Inch introduced the audience to another form of power exchange: letting someone tie you up. In the BDSM world, it’s called rope play.

Between 15 to 20 percent of the American public has done something kinky in the bedroom, by some estimates, and the majority of those likely look like the couple next door. Keith and Monica, for example, are a happily married couple from a small New England town who also happen to practice BDSM.

“Some of our extracurricular activities involve rope and floggers and all sorts of kinky activities,” Monica said.

“I think they are just kind of normal stuff that a lot of regular people, if they knew how to do these things, they’d be thinking that’s not so bizarre,” Keith said.

They play in the spare bedroom with what Monica called “pervertibles,” regular household items that are easily converted into toys, such as wooden spoons and wooden spatulas.

But as in any marriage, there are personality clashes, and when marriage partners dabble in BDSM, there can be kinks in the kink.

“When we play, I have no problem submitting to Monica, but when it’s my turn to Dom, it isn’t always so smooth,” Keith said.

So Monica and Keith took a road trip to a BDSM bed and breakfast called La Domaine, where they received expert instruction on how to help Monica submit to her husband.

“It’s always been my job, my responsibility to make sure everything is just so, because nobody else is going to do it,” Monica said.

Talking openly about BDSM is still rare and even after the “50 Shades of Grey” phenomenon, people who engage in it still mostly do so in secret. But those who practice is say there is no going back.

“I can’t imagine discontinuing these great sources of pleasure, it’s just unthinkable,” Keith said.

“Since I do consider kink to be an integral part of who I am, to not do kink would be denying part of who I am,” Monica said.


Polyamory 101: Polyamory

I’ve started writing a number of Poly101 articles for the blog; you may have already read my 101 on Jealousy. In this article, I’ll be trying to distinguish Polyamory from other flavors of relationship and marital pluralism.

Monogamy is the traditional (default) relationship style you’re likely familiar with. It consists of two people who pledge a promise of fidelity. That promise could be in the form of a presumption, a promise, or a marriage recognized by law and faith.

Many societies and religions perceive a monogamous connection a lifetime commitment. However, in modern practice this is rarely the case, especially in America: nearly half of documented marriages wind up in divorce. Thus for centuries it’s been morally and socially acceptable to make a new monogamous commitments following the end of another. The practice of jumping from one committed relationship to another is referred to as serial monogamy. One commitment ends, another begins.

There are many different flavors of non-monogamy.

In an open relationship the participants agree to engage in sexual and romantic relationships outside of their monogamous commitment, and often with the full knowledge of both parties; swinging on the other hand is commonly perceived as an open relationship limited expressly to sexual activities. Both are mutually-agreed to arrangements – an understanding – and usually done in the auspices of social secrecy as to preserve social expectations.

Polyamory is a made-up word combining two Greek and Latin expressions: poly (many) amor (loves). It is the practice of engaging in multiple intimate relationships with the full consent and knowledge of all the parties involved.

Monogamy would look at infidelity as unacceptable but when it happens the act is referred as cheating. Cheating is an concealed and secret affair. Participants don’t inform their committed, monogamous partners because the ramifications would potentially risk the dissolution of the union.

Polyamory isn’t cheating. Relationships are conducted transparently, with the full knowledge and understanding of all parties. If a connection feels like cheating then it likely couldn’t be described as polyamorous.

Further, polyamory isn’t swinging (although some polyamorous also swing). Here’s where I might ruffle a few feathers. Although there are plenty of swingers who enjoy recreational sex, there’s a dark side to swinging which can take on a connotation of ‘barter’: an exchange of spouses for sexual access. Polyamory doesn’t regard romantic or intimate access as an exchange – there’s no quid quo pro. There’s no explicit promise of access to other partners within polyamorous relationships. It’s all free-will, baby, and the polyamorous would probably emphasize the emotional bond over the sexual act of swinging.

Monogamy generally refers to a single partner of either gender committed to another. Polygamy, on the other hand, reflects a situation where one party marries several spouses – polygyny for male, polyandry for the female – and polyfidelity is where multiple romantic relationships are restricted between members of a group. In all cases, a commitment exists between all parties to exclude others.

In all of these cases, these are exclusive relationships. Partners are forbidden to stray beyond their betrothed groupings. Generally speaking, polyamory isn’t as exclusive as these models. Under polyamory, all partners have the ability to engage in romantic and intimate relationships with whomever they please.

Polyamory can manifest in a bunch of different configurations but the more common are triads (three people who’re romantically involved) and quads (coupled couples). V’s (where one person in a triad is the fulcrum between two who aren’t romantically entangled) and N’s (where a couple interconnects two unentangled individuals).

It’s said that polyamory is about abundance. The polyamorous would suggest that love isn’t finite and can only be shared with just one person at a time. Instead, there’s an abundant amount of love; we’re capable as a species to express love abundantly – to extend love and attention and affection to multiple people at once. Being poly is about abundance. If you believe that monogamy exists to reinforce a social order and suppresses a base nature to share love and intimacy abundantly (as therein lies the road to madness and social chaos), then you might see the polyamorous perspective as an anthropologic rather than a sociologic argument, as Ryan’s 2010 Sex at Dawn book explores. “Heck, we’re all Bonobos – why can’t we all just get along?”

Polyamory is a taboo in our Western culture and really isn’t anything new – for a brief while, I was even journaling on the blog about different polyamorous relationships throughout history; many, many, many people in your life could be polyamorous but wouldn’t have a term for it, or, don’t have a desire to divulge their relationship. But what is new is polyamory’s newfound media attention. Like I said, it’s a taboo, and new media extends an opportunity to talk about taboo subjects without the scrutiny of censorship or advertisers.

Finally, I think the last element to touch on here would be the question of why polyamory – at least, that is a question that’s been asked of me by my parents – and to that end there are likely many different answers and perspectives.

I can say that, for me, polyamory is a practice of freedom, trust, and growth. I believe that not one person fulfills all of my needs or my spouses’ needs, and within polyamory we’ve extended the freedom to each other to explore those connections. I trust her and our ability to maintain our relationship even within the context and pull of others. And I feel both of us will grow from our shared experiences. Growth will inevitably lead to more fulfillment, contentment, and actualization as individuals … allowing me to love my wife – and the connections to whom we extend ourselves – even more.

Love is abundant.

Posted by Simon Broussard

I think I’m into BDSM, now where do I go from here?

Okay so lately I’ve been checking out BDSM, and no, I haven’t nor do I ever intend on reading “50 Shades of Grey”. Anyway, it’s a huge turn on for me. I find it fascinating and I just like the thought of it altogether.There are a few things first though. I’ve never even had sex before. I don’t believe in sex before marriage. It’s a personal choice I made for myself because I don’t want to get hurt like some other girls do when they sleep with a guy who they think is great then he breaks up with them. And it may not seem like it but it’s just kind of easier to wait. Also, if sex is as addictive as people say it is, I kind of like knowing that I get to have it on a regular basis after I start.Another thing, not that I intend to start right now, I’m not eighteen for a few more months. Of course I want to wait until I’m of legal age, but I’d like to get some facts and pointers about it. I’d like to know how it really is and if people really do enjoy it. I’m not looking for anything hardcore, but I like the thought of being submissive.I know it’s a strange situation, a virgin who doesn’t want sex before marriage thinking she likes BDSM. I swear I hear how that sounds, and it’s weird.It’s going to throw a lot of you off.Also, if you have comments about my sex before marriage thing, just trust me when I say I’ve about heard it all before and you’re wasting finger strength trying desperately to get me to see the error of my ways.I’m refraining from sex before marriage for me, no one else.Anyway, I’m just not sure where to go from here.My research said that the Dom wasn’t just about pleasing himself, but also his submissive. I like the thought of being submissive but also being… taken care of. What more should I know about this?

The 10 best BDSM movies (Images are NSFW)

BDSM-themed movies, and films with hot kink scenes in them provide us with two very important things: mainstream popular-culture acceptance, and something to jerk the gerk/smack the peach to when we’re bored.

Depictions of BDSM in film can be serious, campy, ridiculous, artistic, graphic, funny or just plain hot, but all of them are memorable. We would have a gaping hole in our collective cultural consciousness without ever seeing Dennis Hopper huffing nitrous oxide and domming Isabella Rossellini, or James Spader ordering Maggie Gyllenhaal to bend over the desk. Filling that hole is our top ten list of the best BDSM movies — you know you want them.


Do you agree with this list?

You might be a swinger if, ….

You might be a swinger if…..
1. You are wearing wristbands in most of your vacation photos.
2. Half of the numbers on your cellphone are listed only by screen
3. You are running out of reasons to tell your coworkers why you
can’t go out with them this weekend.
4. You have over 100,000 frequent flyer miles on Air Jamaica.
5. You know most of your friends’ names only as couples (Rich and
Joy, Frank and Jen) but you don’t know their last names.
6. You go to a convention with three huge suitcases, yet are wearing
the same outfit when you return as you did when you left.
7. You had already seen pictures of your friends naked before you
ever met them in person.
8. You position the computer screen in your home office in such a way
that your children can’t possibly sneak up on you.
9. You can’t remember the last time you had pubic hair.
10. Before traveling somewhere on business or to visit relatives you
look up couples in the area.
11. You worry about explaining to the neighbors why 10 couples show
up on a Saturday night carrying over night bags and don’t leave until
Sunday afternoon…
12. You never open your garage door until you’re in the car with the
doors closed.
13. Your gynecologist wonders why you’re asking for birth control
when he knows that your husband has had a vasectomy.
14. Your hot tub has never had a bathing suit worn in it.
15. Your sex toy collection costs more than your china set.
16. Your wife has a shirt that says: “I Like Girls Too.”
17. You have a strippers pole in the middle of your den.
18. You giggle at the golf course when someone asks if they can join
your foursome.
19. The last thing you typically do at a party is search for your
wife’s thong.
20. You’ve hugged your friends goodnight while naked.
21. You hear the word “Playmate” and your first thought is
not “Playboy”
22. The word “slut” has become a term of endearment.
23. You carry lube as often as lipstick.
24. Your choice in new carpeting is heavily based on which type won’t
give you rug burns.
25. You’ve taken your Liberator with you to a dinner party.
26. The term Vanilla isn’t just a flavor to you anymore.
27. You have a full-length mirror in your bedroom… On your ceiling.
28. You are constantly encouraging your kids to spend the weekend at
friends’ houses.
29. You don’t think twice about wearing a short skirt, high heels and
fishnets when there is three feet of snow on the ground.
30. Your wedding reception has an after party.
31. You go to Las Vegas, but never gamble or leave the hotel.
32. You panic when your friend’s digital camera goes missing.
33. You’ve invited friends over and watched porn.
34. You’ve invited friends over and made porn.
35. You’ve watched someone do a tequila shot off of your wife’s bare
36. Your friends know what brand of condom you prefer.
37. You wake up in the morning and find that half of the cloths on
the floor don’t fit you or your wife.
38. Your kids think it’s normal for adults to have sleepovers.
39. A hot tub is considered a necessity not a luxury.
40. You believe in Unicorns… Because you’ve actually ridden one.
41. You leave the kids at home when you go to the toy store.
42. You’ve taken photos of yourself with your head out of frame; And
it was on purpose.
43. You can’t decide which of your three naughty schoolgirl outfits
you should wear this weekend.
44. You always keep a supply of condoms, lube and clean hand towels
by your bed… And your guest bed… And your couch in the living
45. The employees fight to take your order at the One Hour Photo.
46. You frequently use the term “Friends of friends” when explaining
how you know certain people.
47. You know which of your outfits looks best under a black light.
48. You have an entire closet devoted just to themed outfits.
49. You place a want ad that reads: “Wanted: Reliable babysitter who
is willing to stay till sunrise and doesn’t ask any questions.”
50. You ask the sales man at the furniture store which type of
upholstery best repels semen stains.
51. The staff of Hedonism III sends you birthday cards.
52. You come home with that, “There’s Something About Mary”
53. The babysitter wonders why you are always already wearing your
full-length coat when she arrives.
54. In the gym shower you’re the only guy with shaved balls.
55. You know the most flattering angle at which to photograph your
56. Half of your vacation photos were taken in your hotel room.
57. You have a free place to stay in almost all the fifty states and
several cities in Europe.
58. You’ve closed your e-mails with “Bi Bi”.
59. You can expertly identify the tactile differences between every
type of breast implant ever created.
60. On Christmas, there are certain presents that can’t be opened in
front of your family.
61. You know exactly which of your friends are allergic to latex.
62. Your vanilla friends ask why they are never invited to your
63. The movie “Swingers” was a huge disappointment to you.
64. It’s an unwritten law that you can’t call any of your friends on
Saturday or Sunday until at least 3 p.m. so you don’t wake them up.
65. You’ve become especially good at operating your digital camera
with one hand.
66. At your “normal” parties no one can go into the basement because
you’re afraid someone will notice the sex-swing.
67. You’re constantly afraid that visiting relatives will pop-in one
of your home videos that you forgot to hide.
68. You make bets with other swinger friends about how long it will
take to corrupt your cute vanilla girlfriend.
69. You’re in a public place and you swear you hear someone shout
your screen name.
70. Before introducing them to your visiting family, you pull your
friends aside and say, “OK, here’s how we know each other…”
71. You start having withdrawals after two days without internet
72. When someone asks where you’re staying on your trip to Cancun,
you pretend that you can’t remember the name of the resort.
73. You ask a girlfriend to teach you: “That thing you do with your
tongue that my husband enjoys so much.”
74. In the middle of sex with your spouse, you ask someone else to
take over for a minute while you go to the restroom.
75. You are more concerned about a pimple on your privates than on
your face.
76. You come back from vacation and you have a tan, but no tan lines.
77. The first thing you do checking into a hotel is to ask for a lot
of extra towels.
78. All the men bring their wives to your bachelor party.
79. Making it an early night means getting home before 3 a.m.
80. You’ve handed out business cards to people, but the cards have
nothing to do with your occupation.
81. Your sexual fantasies never last very long… Because they keep
coming true!
82. You are hanging around vanilla friends and you absentmindedly
squeeze their butts.
83. You erase your computer’s browser history and cache every time
you leave your office.
84. You buy lap dances for your wife… And vice versa.
85. You own a double-headed dildo.
86. You’re still smiling on Monday morning about something you did on
Saturday night.
87. You’re at the market, and the only things in your basket are
condoms, breath mints and Red Bull.
88. On vacation you set aside time to stage a bunch of photos that
are acceptable to show to your family.

Are these people swingers?

My boyfriend and I stayed at a hotel last night, for a night away and we were down having drinks in the hot tub at the hotel, when this couple (in their 30’s-40’s) came and sat in it with it. Being friendly, we all struck up conversation and at 11pm the hotel staff came and shut down the pool. This new couple we met asked if we wanted to continue to drink with them in our room. We said sure, we just thought this couple wanted to drink with us, socially.
Throughout the night the lady kept asking me to go to her room and get more vodka/cranberry drink with her. I said sure, since my boyfriend and her husband were talking. I didn’t think anything of it, just friendly people. She then asked me for my phone number and I gave it to her, being friendly. We went back down to where the guys were drinking. This married woman was sitting very close to me and was close to me all night long in general. She made very strong, agressive contact with me and was asking me if I truly LOVED my boyfriend. She kissed me on the cheek and was very friendly with me. I felt very violated and didn’t like her friendliness.

We had just met this couple at the pool an hour prior to all of this happening. Is there a chance that couple were swingers and they wanted me and my boyfriend to engage in it with them??
She also kept saying “i see so much of you in me” whats that suppose to mean? She was just weird. Kissing me in the elevator, i turned my head right away and she only got my cheek, but still. Weird. Her agressive look in her eyes, why did she make me look so deep into her eyes for eye contact. Weird. Anyone else think so??

what do people think of swingers, especially if they have kids?

having recently chatted with a swinger in normal day life i find myself troubled with the notion of their lifestyle when they are married and they have kids. ive read answers which generally suggest its the choice and lifestyle of the parents and kids have to respect their privacy and in a nutshell butt out or move out. i saw one guy express finding evidence of his mother with 3 guys at the same time and still people were pushing that leave her to it view. i am not a religious guy but i do believe the notion craps all over marriage and common decency and respect in an increasingly more liberal and messed up world, generating more troubled individuals. call me old fashioned but if my mum had it off with a number of guys at the same time while my dad enjoyed it i couldn’t sit there and pretend that they knew a damn thing about love and respect, that my friends is plain old SICK! i believe kids have the right to grow up and be raised in a respectful environment and parents have no right to do such hyprocryitical things. one of the greatest things you can say when your parents are long gone is they were such respectable role models that demonstrated true love by being loyal and faithful to eachother for the rest of their time together. its the stuff stories are made of. not, my parents were good parents but im left with the unpleasant memory of them participating in orgies and gangbangs, good on them! am i loosing my mind or are there plenty of people that feel it is plain wrong like me?

My wife is a swinger with only one male partner but is it his size or her arousal that causes this?

Im a 28 male and my wife is a swinger with only one male partner but is it his size or her arousal that causes her vagina to be in lame terms loose? I do not mind her going and having sex with him because it is just me and him and I trust her to that.. But question is would it be his size in penis that makes my wife sooo loose or is it that she just more aroused because she getting different sex and not the routine that we have? I have sex with wife after she comes home from her other partner and It just really wet and makes a lot of squoosh noises like there is air in her vagina and I can just tell it is really loose but I just assume she enjoyed it that much that it made her vagina loose? Can someone enlighten me on how the woman body might be reacting in this situation?

Engaged girl at work ditching her partner for a young player./swinger guy while he is on holiday….? bit*chy?

Ok so this guy at my work pursued me when I first started working there, I did like him initially, but he came onto me super fast, (the first time I went over he was already hinting at sex) Anyway one of the days I went over we ended up doing stuff (just not full sex but close to) Because I was a virgin I told him beforehand, he said he didn’t feel comfortable and was not looking fro a relationship but offered to carry on, I said I wasn’t sure but he still kept humping myleg and other stuff.
Anyway we didnt stay friends long because he was very flaky and lied/canceled alot, he tried turning it around saying I was paranoid. Its clear he just wanted a fling or FWB and it didnt work out for him. So I removed all forms of contact.
When I saw him at work eventually, he started following me around and trying to win me over etc- I wasnt having any oif it, I was civil and would make small talk back but that was it. He still tries to flirt and touch me. (he also flirts with nearly all the women at work at least a little)
Anyway this new girl started 5 weeks ago, she is engaged and with her bf of 6 years! He is in Brazil atm. The new guy immidietly started chasing her (just like he did with me) She told another co-worker she actually “really likes this guy, and is flattered a young guy loves her” she is planning on leaving her fiancee!!! I don’t know if she slept with the guy yet she pnly said they had been out for a drink.
This guy is such an ass. I swear he is trying to rub it in my face too, because he made sure he and her came and sat next to me in the staff meeting. (He chose the spot and had plenty of seats to chose from) The girl I actually had been friendly with, but since I found out shes ditching her fiancee and the poor guys away in Brazil I just think, whata bitch,
I cant work around this guy anymore Im actuallualy handing my notice in today, once I leave I’ll be free of that sh*t forever
I thought of contacting the girls fiancee and informing hi9m as he knows nothing, not to get a at the girl because Im rather indifferent about her shes. gonna get used anyway- but I want this guy to beat the shit out for the guy from work, the guy from work always talks about women in an objective way, he has no respect and he needs to learn to respect other peoples relationships!

Sweet Tooth! Introducing Carmel Candi to Swinging

Click to Remove

The BBBJ Jewel from Cali’s IE

5:14AM on July 13, 2008

Sweet Tooth: Carmel Candi
(c) 2007 Alley Cat Media

This is a story about an exceptional bbbj-girl, Carmel Candi, whom I met when she was 19 and looking to get into adult modeling. She already had mainstream Lady Enyce, Ebony Showcase and Las Vegas Magic modeling experience under her belt. As most in the business know, however, those gigs are big on glamour and small on paydays.

Carmel sent a message to my Las Vegas office address asking to meet me when next I was in Southern California. She wanted a mentor. Mentor? Yeah, that’s exactly what I was thinking.

On my first available weekend in Southern California, I called Carmel and arranged to meet in the Inland Empire near her home, two hours outside of Vegas and about an hour from my home in Cali. We went to dinner, chatted, and felt each other out over the leisurely repast. She wanted to see my home (a variation on the “let me show you my prints” maneuver) and agreed to meet me there later that night.

Carmel arrived within fifteen minutes of our appointment but called earlier and advised that she’d be a bit late. She parked and sauntered to the door with that peculiar model’s gait. She was friendly, affable and engaging but ready to get down to business (yeah, see my home, my ass).

Carmel is not the least bit shy. She immediately removed her clothing but for her sexy boyshorts. I didn’t complain; she looked hot in them. After a cursory embrace and a peck on my cheek and neck, Carmel , obviously named for her luxuriant and creamy skin-tone, dragged my man-meat from its refuge and ladled it with her tongue and mouth. I noticed piercings in her tongue and on her belly-button but no tattoos. The tongue stud didn’t interfere with the bbbj-cim (cum in mouth), expertly rendered. Her oral skills belie her youth.

Carmel deep-throated me repeatedly, forcing squeals from within me that I didn’t know existed. I shot squirts down her throat within ten minutes but she kept going…and going…and going. After twenty minutes or so she noticed the cum dripping down my stalk and asked if I had cum yet. I replied that I had; she asked if I could go on. I could, so away we went.

She sucked, slurped and slathered my pole up one side, down the next and ’round its perimeter for a full, non-stop forty-five minutes before I throttled into an intense orgasm. Spunk filled her mouth; she smiled and rose. After spitting into the sink, Carmel tongue-massaged my nipples, electrifying my staff back into a salute. Then she covered and mounted me and rode for the hills.

She was exhilirating; makes an old man proud. We ended with missionary that was anything but routine – the girl’s a star. I came again, shuddering as she flexed her pussy around my dick, force-feeding her cunt with what was left of my condom-restrained production. Carmel was certainly not new to sex.

Carmel’s a young, sexy, lean, 5’10” Belizean with perky breasts, a talented tongue and enterprising pussy. Makes me wanna holler. By the way, she mentioned that she has a few friends – 18, 19 and 20 year-olds – who would join in if requested. Maybe next time.

That was two years ago and she has only gotten better. I had her roll through my booth at Erotica L.A. in 2007 and she’s made other promotional rounds with me as arm candy and nighttime entertainment in Palm Springs, Las Vegas and Atlanta, and at swing parties, particularly Maria’s Ndeavours parties in Los Angeles, as my “potluck” contribution.

Recently, we shot her first scenes for the website that impends. Now a talented 23-year-old, Carmel has come to love the swinging lifestyle, particularly sexy women and strapped and hung, virile men.

Good sex never does a girl bad, huh?