Most of the time, being in the lifestyle forces us swingers to live a double life. Almost every profile I see on a swinger website mentions a need for or confirmation of discretion. Realistically, while we all want to have fun, no one wants their boss, brother, or mom and dad to know about their “extracurricular activities.” That being said, I think it is fair to say that many of us have met people that made us ask ourselves if we were unknowingly hanging out with a fellow swinger in a vanilla environment.
The question is: what should you do in these situations, and how to you identify a fellow swinger from someone less open minded without exposing yourself? Whether you should truly attempt to discover the orientation of the person in question is entirely up to you. Consider what it would mean if the person where a swinger or if they found out that you are a swinger and how it will affect your relationship. Identifying whether a person or couple is in the lifestyle can be a much more difficult task. However there are some typical signs that will at least let you know if they are open-minded. Being overly flirtatious without consequence and exaggerated jokes can be forewarning signs. Your personal knowledge and experiences in the lifestyle will help in identifying fellow tolerant people more than anything else. Listen for keywords like “vanilla” and pay special attention to body language. If you are dealing with a couple it may be a little easier to come to a valid conclusion by watching how they interact with each other and other people they know.
If you do decide to push the envelope, think long and hard about your approach and the possible consequences of your actions. Telling someone you are a swinger can either scare them away, whether they are in the lifestyle or not, give you someone to share stories with, or sound like an open invitation to jump your bones. Either way it’s risky to expose yourself to someone new outside of the swinger world, so be careful, and good luck if you ever find yourself in this type of situation.
Once you’ve been in the lifestyle for a while, there may come a time when your vanilla friends are mixed with your lifestyle friends, and although this is mostly painless, you may find yourself in an uncomfortable situation. I believe the trick is to always consider yourself as “vanilla” unless you are in a true swinger environment. If you value discretion, this is a must. For example, one of the single females you invited to a family friendly event is being overly flirtatious and inappropriate toward the male host. To save face, you may have to put her in her place. Just cause your a swinger doesn’t mean its okay to make advances at anytime. Communication is the key. If you plan to invite swinger friends to a vanilla party, be sure to lay the ground rules for them before they get there. Let them know that vanillas will be there and certain behavior will not be tolerated.
Other concerns come into play when you are invited to a vanilla event and one of you are approached as if you are single. Now normally it may be okay to accept such an invitation, however if you are with close friends or coworkers, it maybe time to put your foot down. What it comes down to is respect. Make sure neither you or your partner are accepting behavior from anyone simply because you are swingers. If discretion is important to you as a couple in the lifestyle then be sure you are always putting that before pleasure. In the end everyone in the lifestyle wants to have fun, but not at the expense of your family or your beliefs.
Recently I read a posting on the ANSWERS section on this swingerology.com. It dealt with what types of activities people choose to engage in (or not) at lifestyle events. The point of view was that if you go to a house party or a similar event, you should play or leave. Although I disagree with this, I can understand where these people are coming from. It is exciting to go to these events knowing that there may be play to possibly participate in. It may also be a bit awkward to realize that you are being watched by others while you are having fun. However, let’s not forget the very reason why we are all in this lifestyle in the first place. We all have a different opinion about sex and sexuality in comparison to our vanilla counterparts. There is a reason swinging is referred to as an (alternative lifestyle). I find it interesting that some of the people in this lifestyle feel comfortable passing judgment on a different view of sex, eroticism, or voyeurism. I have been to many events and house parties. I have seen many people enjoy themselves in many different ways. Some people want to be watched, while others are content to simply view. To many of these people, voyeurism is like foreplay for when they get home. Some just want to make a connection so that they can meet up later. There are countless reasons for people to come to these events. There are many ways for people to enjoy themselves at the event. In my opinion, none are wrong, so long as people are maintaining, respect, safety, and propriety. As long as you’re having a good time, who cares what everyone else is doing? As far as being watched by others, keep in mind that playing in a public setting is not for every person. This is fine, again there’s nothing wrong with having a different preference. Using the party as a means for meeting new people to play with in a more private setting just works better for some swingers. I just feel we should all remember that there are many different types of swingers out there. I.E. soft swap, full swap, single females only, Ect… No one is wrong. It’s just a matter of trying to peacefully co-exist.
I have recently been thinking based on some observations. Are there times that it would be better not to swing? I personally believe that this can be very beneficial. Let’s really think about this honestly. There are times in every relationship that you may be having a hard time with each other. It doesn’t matter if we’re talking about having one bad fight, or trying to decide if the relationship will continue. Either way this is a stressed and potentially weak point in any relationship. How do we feel in these situations? Most people feel insecure, off balance, maybe angry. This is hard enough to deal with in and of itself with out introducing another partner, or couple in to the equation.
I have seen a variety of things that can happen in this situation. You and your partner go out with another person or couple. While out, some of the tension that is between you both will undoubtedly start to surface. Keep in mind how tight knit this lifestyle is. By bringing your issues into the evening, you have created a very awkward situation for whoever you’re with. This person/people will most likely not want to get involved with you both on any level. Plus as an added bonus when they go back home, in some way shape or form, they will warn there friends about the awkward time they had with you. Take this to the next level. Maybe the person/people you went out with is new to the lifestyle. What impression did you leave with them. How well did you represent the lifestyle. By bringing your issues before an unknown, did you scare them off before they even began? Take this idea to a bigger scale. Maybe you both decide to attend a lifestyle event (a house party, meet and greet ect…). you have now put yourselves on display in front of many people that know many people and they talk to each other. Perhaps you are there and walk in on your partner while they’re having some fun. How do react? I have seen many people find many ways to behave inappropriately at this point. In my opinion, this is not only disrespectful to your partner, but you are disrespecting everyone at the event. Keep in mind everything that was brought up in the first scenario. You have taken what may have been a very fun, sexy evening for everyone and completely ruined the atmosphere. Who wants to play with all this drama going on? Not to mention, what happens if you both end up working through it? What impression did everyone get from you? Trust me, I’ve seen it take a longtime for people to overcome that type of reputation.
Let’s not forget the keystone to being in this lifestyle. “we’re doing this together”. “Let’s have some fun”. If you’re not on the same page then it’s probably not a good idea. If you are having trouble with each other, have a conversation about this ahead of time. Talk honestly about how you feel. There’s no shame in holding off. Remember that this is supposed to be fun and sexy. If you talk and feel that you want to proceed. Have guidelines, what will we do/what should we avoid? In the event that you both are out, things are going well then something happens that you didn’t expect. Don’t panic. This could, and usually does make things much worse. Never disrespect anyone (including yourself). Wait for the appropriate time and place to address it. Handling the situation in this manner will not only prevent things from going wrong quickly, but your partner will respect you for it. You never know this may help to overcome the primary issue that started all this. If guidelines are agreed upon, make sure you keep your end of the deal.
In my opinion, issues will come and go. You may or may not continue to be in the relationship. You can only truly control one thing. How you will react to any given situation.
Everyone likes to see a little eye candy and even be the eye candy for others on occasion. Lifestyle parties are the perfect environment for this. The ladies get to dress up in their naughtiest skin baring outfit and the gentlemen come along for the ride. ItÆs always apparent which guys are insecure by how close they stay to their ladies. There are the guys that will let their woman have her fun, and then there are those practically holding their partner by the neck to keep her from escaping. I am a firm believer in staying in touch with your partner when you attend a lifestyle event; however, it is okay to give each other a little breathing room. Letting your partner wander off for a few minute will not inevitably result in you walking in on them in a compromising position. The key to communicate with each other before hand about your expectations and to make sure you are both secure in your relationship. Insecurities are bound to cause problems for any couple but particularly for a couple in the swinger lifestyle.
Now there are occasions when your partner may get bombarded by other with propositions and promises of a good time, but thatÆs where confidence and credit come into play. You have to have confidence in your partner and give them credit that they can handle their own and tell someone they are not interested. Not doing so is a red flag to ôpredatorsö and theyÆll make every effort to catch the prey they have set their eyes on. The goal is for you and your partner to have fun whether that allows for individual play or couple play, so keep an eye on each other, but give each other a little breathing room too. If nothing else it might make your conversation on the way home a little more interesting, because youÆll both have a little bit on individual interaction with your fellow swingers.
It’s time for a night out with your partner in crime, and you must select the best clothing for the occasion except, what should I wear? Yes, we understand that you might be out of those clothes before the end of the night. However, the idea of dressing up is part of the fantasy, the tease, and visual foreplay of the lifestyle. Men pretty much have it easy; they can pretty much wear the same style of clothing every time. Women, on the other hand, have more flexibility and creativity with their style of dress; it’s about them anyway. When you walk into the room with all the other swingers you want that first visual impression to be excellent (your personality will do the rest) and at least have others visually attracted to you as you will be visually attracted to what you see as appealing on them.
We have been to many socials where some swingers don’t seem to care about their dress. They show up in WHATEVER, which for ladies that can be cool too, I guess, well it depends, but that’s a whole other story. They show up like they didn’t look in the mirror before they leave and wonder why no one wants to break the ice with them. This is why party promoters try to recommend style of dress to help us figure out what to wear and set the atmosphere for breaking the ice. Come on peoples, if you are going out to one of these socials groom, shave, pamper, comb, style, refresh, smell good and make the best visual appearance you can. Guaranteed connection.
Ok, I know there are many of professional swingers out there that don’t have kids or their kids are grown up and out. But then there’s us, you know who IÆm talking too, we have young kids and crazy jobs that takes up all of our time, and when there is an event that we want to attend we can’t, “together”, so we stay home cause we can’t fine anyone trustworthy enough to look after our kids when we’re out indulging ourselves. To put the icing on the cake, we then have the few friends that still call us, tell us how much fun they had. We then end up with mixed feelings.
The last thing you want on your mind when you out having fun, is to consistently have to worry if your kids are ok. Therefore staying home seems to be the best option. We tried the, one go this time and the other the next but it’s not the same. Especially when you both entered into the lifestyle at the same time, you want to have that experience together. When you get older and can’t do this anymore it would be great to reminisce together, about those dick sucking, clit licking, ass pounding, titty jumping hell of a great time.
Well, we’ve grown to take the disappointment and just ôsuck it upö, but when there is an event that you know is going to be fabulous then you get the conformation that it was, of course after you missed it, all you can think is…Damn!! we missed it. Grandma !!!! where are you??
Many people, both in and out of the lifestyle, are under the misconception that swinging is all about sex. Yes sex does play a big role in swinging and if you are in the lifestyle, you will undoubtedly see a lot of people having sex, and probably be involved in many of your own encounters. Although the idea of having an open relationship is a primary attraction to people to get into the lifestyle, once you’ve been around the block a few times, you may find yourself bored if this is your only focus.
When I read profiles on sites such as http://swingerology.com, I repeatedly see the desire for “friends first” listed under “what are you looking for”. I personally enjoy the company of open minded people more than I the focus on conquering new territory. People that are dead set on having sex at every event they attend are bound be eventually get disappointed because even if they have no standards, others do, and may not be interested. Just because an individual or a couple carries on a conversation with others for more than 5 minutes does not mean the want to have sex. I once got caught up in a conversation with a couple for almost an hour and when I finally left, they acted pissed cause I didn’t drop my pants and beg them to have their way with me. We didn’t play around or even flirt during the conversation, but they still had negative attitudes when I left, which made me avoid them the rest of the night and dodge them the next time I saw then at a party.
The goal in attending lifestyle events should be to have fun, which doesn’t always have to end in a sexual escapade. When I attend swinger events, I now try to keep conversations short and socialize with many different groups and if I decide to play then I consider that a bonus. I’m not saying its wrong for anyone that likes to play often, but don’t be mad if you don’t get an opportunity to get busy. There’s more than one day to have fun in a room full of open minded people so enjoy yourselves and don’t let petty stuff get you down.
Many reasons why we desire to join the swinger lifestyle. Lately I reflected back on our start into the lifestyle. Before we became experienced, our perception of the lifestyle was a lot of JUST Fucking (which is still the case in even some season swingers mind) but as we began to study and observe more, we learned that we can take as many different approaches as it related to us and our comfort level. Then the questions came;
Fucking: Are we going to just fuck, bed hop and get in as many one night stands as possible? We may not even know their names, hell all we need is a little chemistry, maybe, followed by fucking the night or day away.
Friendship: Do we want to make friend first where we can hangout talk openly about àwell pretty much anything? If there is chemistry GREAT let’s go, otherwiseà we made some cool friends that we can hangout with from time to time without the pressure of ôàwe must have sex because we metàö
Both sounds like great ideas to us; with a little tweaking we made it ours. We decided on the best of both for us with ôFriendshipö leading the way.
Fucking is all well and good, shoot; this is why most of us are attracted to the idea of the lifestyle in the first place. However, for us we felt we would rather get to know you, hang out a few times, get a couple of drinks, get a good idea of how you like to be pleased, hopefully we can give you some pointers as well. Therefore, when the sparks fly we all would be pleased and happy. Sounds better than just going in getting a nut and that’s it (not that that’s bad). Friendship seemed more appealing to us since we can get a bit of YOU, get a good idea of likes/dislikes, dos/don’ts. So when the opportunity presents itself we can have a memorable experience. Afterward, who knows we can do this again and again and again, even go out to the vanilla bars, clubs, homes and other non-swinger places and still have an exceptional time. If we had to choose between Friendship or Fucking we’ll choose Friendship with hopes of Fucking
How about you Fucking or Friendship?
So after running our site (http://swingerology.com) we have encounter many different people, one group are called bikers. Yes, the same bikers you see on their Harleys and other motorcycles, some with the group jackets with their sexy ladies in the back or even the sexy lady in her leather pants sailing down the highway. True enough, not all bikers are in the lifestyle. However, the few we’ve met has been extremely cool. For some, it’s like a 3rd personality for them. On one had they have their ‘regular’ life, family, kids and profession, in which they act respectively, so perfect that if you met them in this setting you wouldn’t even know they are bikers or in the lifestyle. Secondly, they transform into biker, which is its own group by itself. They give me the vision of them just cruising along enjoying the wind doing their thing. Then someway along the line they entertain the lifestyle. Now, I don’t know about you but I think that’s very cool. For those of you who only have 2 personalities, boring lol 3 is way cooler. Well, I guess I’m boring too 🙂 I don’t think I can get on a bike, maybe a bicycle, I’m just too scared, and if I attempt to, I’ll look like such a dork. I will have to put on all of my protective equipment: helmet, gloves, elbow pads, knee pads, steel toe boots, protective shades, body armor, sword and shield. Then I’ll be ready. How about you, we know you have your ‘regular’ life (if it already don’t deal with swingers or the lifestyle) then we know you are a swinger having fun in the lifestyle…so what else are you?
If you are a biker tell me more.